


he'll only leave you

by eponinethenardiers



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Ableism, Bipolar Disorder, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 07:06:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17638109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eponinethenardiers/pseuds/eponinethenardiers
Summary: A tiny little drabble about what Eliott was thinking post episode 2. One-sided Lucas/Eliott, with mentions of Eliott's Sonja. Warning for internalised ableism.





	he'll only leave you

**Author's Note:**

> So there's a reference in here to Eliott having a Mikael-like experience before, that was just an assumption I made, who knows if they'll actually continue with that storyline. I also assume that Eliott will be bipolar in this version like Even.

 

_Maybe I should break up with her._

It’s hardly the first time the thought has crossed his mind. Hell, these days he spent more time thinking it than not. As he kisses his girlfriend goodnight and turns the key in his door, he can’t help but remember all the times he’s thought it before. Every time he was in a bad mood and she gave him that  _look_ , asking him a million questions he didn’t want to answer because goddammit isn’t he just allowed to be unhappy sometimes without everyone freaking out? Or when he’s having a good day and she brings him crashing back down by becoming frantic that it’s the start of an episode. He can never win with her. She only sees him as a problem that needs constant management, something for her to fix. When he was with her, he was always knew he was being observed, like an animal in the zoo. He couldn’t relax, he couldn’t just enjoy himself. But with Lucas…

It had been a long time since he’d felt this happy. This  _free_. Laughing over stupid shit, dancing to dubstep without caring how ridiculous he looked, feeling like he can be utterly himself without the whole world on high alert. All because he’d spent three and a half hours flirting shamelessly with someone who wasn’t his girlfriend.

_And he flirted back_.

He did, Eliott was sure of it. Asking him coyly how he would draw him, raising his eyebrows, showing off his piano skills, it all felt like Lucas was flirting back. It felt so natural between them, like neither of them had a care in the world, like there was nowhere they would rather be than with each other. Lucas could’ve just gotten the beers and left, but he stayed. He stayed for hours, that had to mean something. Maybe Eliott wasn’t just imagining the spark between them, maybe it was real and Lucas felt it too. And maybe, just maybe, something could happen between them.

_Until he finds out._

He would have to find out, eventually. Eliott couldn’t hide it forever. Sooner or later, something would happen, he would have another episode, and everything would go to shit. He can’t put that kind of weight on Lucas. He can’t expect him to understand. Being with him was practically a full time job, at least that’s how  _she_  treated it. He couldn’t do that to Lucas, or anyone else. He was lucky enough that she put up with it.

_He’s never going to love you like she does_.

She had been there for him through everything, every breakdown, every bout of mania. She always worried about him, always reminded him to take his medication, isn’t that what love is? For all her faults, at least she accepted the worst parts of him. He was safe with her. She was never going to break his heart. That’s what he needed in his life, stability. After changing schools and losing all his friends, the last thing he wanted was more change in his life. His parents said it too, so did his psychiatrist, that he needed a stable routine. And she was routine. He couldn’t throw everything away to chase after a boy who would probably reject him anyway, just like last time. He couldn’t go through that pain again. No, no. He would stay with her. That would be fine. Wasn’t he happy to see her earlier? He kissed her, anyway, with a smile on his face. Whether that smile was there because of someone else was a different matter. He enjoyed himself, that night, hanging out with her. They went to see a movie and they held hands and it was nice, it really was. Being with her was nice, except when it wasn’t. Wasn’t it worth it to deal with the bad parts so he could enjoy the good? Wasn’t that better than getting his heart broken by a messy-haired boy who played the piano like an angel?

_It’s too risky. He’ll only leave you. He’ll only break you. Stay with her. Stay where you’re comfortable._   

But when he gets home, and he sees that scarf lying in the living room…he knows none of it matters anyway. Eliott was going to keep chasing Lucas, and there was nothing he could do to stop himself.


End file.
